London, UK — Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boop and the Cadbury Dairy Milk Caramel Bunny have been named as the sexiest cartoon characters.
A survey carried out by Cadbury Dairy Milk found 37% of those questioned believe Roger Rabbit’s seductive wife Jessica is the most alluring character.
Betty Boop, famed for her short skirts and curly black hair, was the second favourite with 21% of the votes, and the chocolate-loving bunny came in third with 10%.
The trio beat off strong competition from other cartoon beauties such as Cinderella, Wilma Flintstone, Snow White and Daphne from Scooby Doo.
The study of 1,000 people was carried out to celebrate the return of the Cadbury bunny to billboard and magazine adverts.
I am confused – on several levels.
- When did we start ranking cartoon characters’ sex appeal?
- Why is Cadbury in charge of this poll?
- Has anyone even heard of this Cadbury bunny before this poll, and how in God’s name did it make it on this list?
This list is an insult to every scantily-clad, big-bosomed cartoon vixen around the world. An absolute travesty. And now Cadbury’s is getting all this free publicity because of it. It’s obvious they just wanted to promote their dumb little bunny (by the way – let’s not get me started on the fact that this is a bunny. I’m pretty sure beastiality is illegal in like 14 states or something). Just because of this, I’ve decided two things:
- I’m boycotting Cadbury’s until Easter — or at least until I find myself standing in line at the gas station staring at a huge display of delicious Cadbury creme-filled eggs. God those things are amazing.
- I’m compiling my own list of hot cartoon characters that Cadbury’s decided to neglect for some reason or another.
Here we go….
Any guy between the age of 23 – 33 is with me on this one. I know I know – at the time you had to hate her because a) she was a girl, b) you were a huge He-Man fan, and c) you were President of the No Girls Allowed club. But we all know you secretly watched her on Saturday mornings — and that in hindsight, you realized He-Man and his tiger were playing for the other team anyways. He never had a girlfriend, just a tiger and a weird looking ghost friend. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. As a grown man, it’s finally time to admit it: She-Ra dominates He-Man. Period.
I don’t know if Judy was 18 or not, but I do know that she was a cartoon. And it’s not like we’re talking about Pebbles Flintstone or anything here. Judy was definitely in high school and definitely old enough to drive, so she’s good to go for this list. Let’s forget about her looks for a minute and focus on what really puts her over the edge here – she had a flying car, a genius little brother, a quasi-talking dog, and a robot maid. Perfect in almost every way. How is it even possible that she did not make Cadbury’s list?!?!?
Again, the Skee 4 All legal department might come after me on this one as well – but I figure she’s gotta be over 18. And even if she’s not, when you’re 5 and you have a thing for another 5 year old (or however old she is), that’s called cute – not illegal. Plus if she was like 5 when I was 5 then that means she is in her mid – late twenties now. I tried googling “grown up picture of Rainbow Brite”, but the content was a little too grown up for this website. So you’ll just have to use your imagination. Anyways, Rainbow Brite = cartoon hottie.
So maybe she’s blue and maybe she’s what we call a little person, but we’re neither racist nor height discriminatory, so she still gets a nod as a cartoon hottie. And if you beg to differ I’ve got a whole village full of little blue guys just waiting to stuff you full of shrooms and sing the same song over and over at you.
And no, I’m not even getting into the logistics of how she was the only female in that village. I still can’t believe my parents let me watch this growing up and that I never asked why she was the only chick. They may as well have stuck me in front of “Taxi Cab Confessions” every Saturday morning. La-La-La-La-La-La La-La-La-La-La!
APRIL O’NEIL (TMNT)
No one – and I mean no one – can rock a yellow jumpsuit and a microphone like April O’Neil. And whomever was responsible for leaving her off this list deserves to do hard time in a state penitentiary. April O’Neil – just one more reason to boycott Cadbury’s.
(sister of Daria)
A three-horned frog would look “sexy” next to the likes of Daria, but Quinn reminds you of your friend’s younger sister that you always wanted to get with – cute, fashionable, and flirty. Quinn was the highlight of that show, and I’m bummed they never came out with a spin-off. Sigh.
ARIEL – THE LITTLE MERMAID
“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?” Yes, Ariel, I’m looking at your stuff and it is neat. However, your collection is not complete – it’s lacking a pair of legs and that throws me off big time – but not enough to omit you from this list. Your voice and upper torso keep you in. And the fact that Katy Perry ripped you off with her version of “Kiss the Girl”.
There you have it. F Cadbury’s and their stupid bunny. And I also feel kinda creepy that my last three picks were red-heads, but what can you do? My list dominates Cadbury’s list – end of story.