From the Bottom of the Bottle – 3/20/09


Only together, can we do something about One Uppers?

I’d rather get circumcised again for my 27th birthday than be a One Upper. If you’re unfamiliar with that term, you probably know someone that falls into this definition. A one upper is someone that upon hearing an interesting story compulsively attempts to tell a better story. Usually it’s a poorly told, exaggerated, painfully boring, thinly veiled attempt to impress someone that probably hates one uppers, and will never listen to the one upper again. One uppers are predominantly, but not exclusively male.

Example –      Person: I have a dislocated knee.
One Upper: Yeah, well last summer I broke my leg in four places and had to have a steel pin inserted. I also had to have surgery done on my knee to repair the torn ligaments. I was on crutches for almost two months.   (source:

We all know people like this, and to even my own dismay, we’ve all been this person. The douchebaggery of the last time I one-upped haunts me to this day.  I’d rather have a hairy-armed male masseuse than be a one upper. I’d rather be in a hot tub with Richard Simmons, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson than be a one upper. I’d rather play footsy with Daniel Day Lewis than be a one upper. (If you get that, you deserve the right to call me evil.) But all this is background; the point to this is to ask what can we do to prevent the growth of one upping? In the interest of fun, let us not be realistic. Please place suggestions in the comments section. To get this started, here are some solutions:
Inject obscene amounts of collagen into the bottom lips of one uppers, just for fun.
Try telling litanies of false stories that are un-one-uppable: busted O-rings, genitalia abnormalities, getting ankle and wrist cuffed to inmate 3389 in the 9th ward Parrish jail in New Orleans. Maybe the one uppers head will explode?
Pair the one upper with another one upper? I have a hunch that’s how profits are born. Yeah, well I’m the Son of God. Or yeah, well when I die,  I’m going to get 70 virgins.

— Brophy

When I read this I immediately thought of the character “Penelope” played by Kristen Wiig on SNL.

kristen-wiig-as-penelopeThat’s “Penelope” on the right. Not the one on the left. The right.

I tried to find a few of her clips to insert in here, but NBC and SNL have got that sh*t on lockdown.  So you’ll have to click on the links.  Sigh.


One Response to “From the Bottom of the Bottle – 3/20/09”

  1. The One Says:

    No one comments on these entries but they are the best thing on the website. Well done Chad

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: