The High Rollers Report (Charlotte Skeeball Skeeson IX)

High Rollers Club copy

Every year Farrell picks someone to write this report and this time I asked him at the beginning of the season if I could give it a go because whoever has been writing these in the past is usually dead wrong.  I’m not as “experienced” as some of the rollers, but I have been watching closely this season and am positive that I have picked every single matchup correctly.  Enjoy the report and we’ll see everyone on the lanes on Saturday!

[Editor’s note:  I always protect the identity of the selected author in case he/she tears in to people.  This person decided to go a little easy this time, so no worries there.  Also, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, it’s “skeeson”, not season.  Jesus.]

ROUND 1

#1 H-Town vs. #32 Josh Klein/Wild Card Winner

The first part of this matchup is a tough call because Josh could be playing any of the Wild Card folks, who will all be warmed up while he’s rolling cold.  Fortunately, the second part of this matchup is much easier to pick so it really doesn’t matter what happens in the first part.  H-Town crushes in two straight.

#16 Alyssa vs. #17 Will I Am

Alyssa won the Wild Card last year and proved that she can roll well when it counts the most.  She wins easily, but only because Will I Am can’t make it on Saturday.  Otherwise it would have been a very close match.

#9 Matty B vs. #24 Hunter Holland

This is a great first-round matchup.  Both are good rollers, both have experience on their side, and both are straight 40 finders.  I would like to pick Hunter, but I don’t see him handling this pressure situation well.  Matty B wins in a close 3 game series.

#8 Nick “The One” Giaimo vs. #25 Tall A$$ Chris

This could have been a huge upset, but Tall A$$ will be out of town this weekend, so Giaimo gets the victory.  Booooooorrrrrrriiiiinnnnggggg.

[Editor’s note:  Agreed, Tall A$$ would have def pulled the upset.  Sigh.]

#5 Pistol Petot vs. # 28 Brett Lipman

I was going to write this entire diatribe about how Lipman could pull off the victory and yadda yadda, but that’s just a waste of your time and my time.  Petot absolutely kills Brett in two straight games.  Lipman finds the nearest brunette for a sympathy hug.

[Editor’s note:  Lipman could shock the world in this one.  It all depends what lane they get put on.  If it’s a hundo-friendly lane, Petot wins.  If it’s not, Lipman wins.]

#21 Lindsay Tutone vs. #12 Wendi Fleener

This is like the battle of the two nicest girls in the world. Nobody wants to watch this match because no one wants to see either of these two lose.  Alas we have our first upset of the day as Tutone takes it in three games.  In other news, Glenn puts a hit out on Tutone and her man.

[Editor’s note:  I love both of these chicks.  4 Eva.]

#13 Katrina Cade vs. #20 Brad Meacham

How did Katrina fall to 13th?  Regardless, this is a great match-up.  The outcome depends entirely on which lane they’re assigned.  I lied, that doesn’t matter at all.  Katrina wins in two straight.

[Editor’s note:  Ouch.  Sleeping on Meacham?  Not a good move. I’m picking him.  Sorry Katrina!]

#4 Brian “The Candyman” Fudge vs. #29 Meghan Putnam

I’m confused.  Didn’t Meghan used to be good at skeeball?  Looking at her stats it seems like she decided to start rolling left-handed the last few weeks.  She could definitely pull off an upset…..if Fudge rolls left handed.  Not happening.  Candyman makes easy work of her, yawns, and puts his shades back on.  Victim #2 awaits.

#3 Sean Potter vs. #30 Pete Walton

Peter frickin’ Walton.  Dude’s got game…especially for a rook.  Sean Potter pulls a Tom Taylor and chokes it up — Pete advances to the second round in a massively huge upset.

[Editor’s note:  Ha.  You’re kidding, right?  Did you write this thing while drinking?  Potter crushes the rook.]

#14 Tom Taylor vs. #19 G

G is a good roller, but I like him over ten frames, not in a best of 3 series with the entire world watching.  I’m taking Tom because of his experience.  And because I don’t really know this G kid.  Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom.

#11 Shawn “Hundogasm” Hartwig vs. #22 Jane Tutone

Oh sweet little cute little Jane Tutone. There’s just something about her that does it for me….but it’ definitely not her skeeball skills.  Shawn advances in two straight games without even rolling a hundo…or breaking a sweat.

#6 Kevin “The Gambler” Ambler vs. #27 Dom Koplar

The Gambler is a guy you don’t want to bet against. Ever.  Unless of course you’re betting that he’ll be passed out in the corner by the end of Super Saturday.  Because that’s a definite.  Gambler destroys Dom.

[Editor’s note:  I’ll bet against him.  Dom has been lighting it up this skeeson and Kevin can’t handle the pressure.  Dom moves on.]

#7 Amethyst Klein vs. #26 Sunil Devarakonda

Wow — possibly the best matchup in the first round.  Sunil is a good roller, but Amethyst is equally good.  Sunil made it to the finals last skeeson, I’m sure Amethyst choked against someone like Farrell or Giaimo or something. So I’m gonna go with Sunil. He’s got that Boom Boom Pow.

[Editor’s note:  Stop stealing my lines/songs.  Dork.]

#10 Chad Brophy vs. #23 Lisa Koko

Farrell told me there were “no good first round matchups” this skeeson.  Was he looking at a different bracket?  Because this one guarantees to be a nail-biter.  Koko pulls it off by rolling a 390 in the third game.  Clutch.

#15 Brian Farrell vs. #18 Chris Weitzel

Well f*ck.  Farrell sh*ts the bed every skeeson in this tourney, so you’d almost be a fool to pick him. But I just don’t see Chris W taking him down.  Eh, we’ll take Farrell in 3 games.

[Editor’s note:  This is my skeeson. And you can quote me on that.]

#2 Brandon “The Makers Marksman” Harris vs. #31 Christine Vito

I believe Christine is the one with the b00bs on TLSkee.  Ha, see what I did there?  Cuz they all have b00bs.  So it’s funny. Or not.  Anyway, Brandon f*cks around with hundos one game and gives Christine a win, but that’s the only one she gets.  Brandon wins in 3 games.

ROUND 2

#1 H-Town vs. #16 Alyssa

H-Town yells at himself/the crowd a few times before sending Alyssa packing in two straight.  Then he makes lovey eyes at Lindsay and they head to the parking lot for a bit.  Gross.

#8 Giaimo vs. #9 Matty B

Matty B might be the King of the Queen City, but he’s not the king of the lanes.  Giaimo has been playing since the dark ages and is a former High Roller.  Giaimo takes care of business in two straight.

[Editor’s note:  Not a chance.  Giaimo is wiped out after the GMAT – Matty B takes it in 3]

#5 Pistol Petot vs. #21 Lindsay Tutone

Fresh from her parking lot romp, Lindsay finds her much-needed hundo and takes the match in a very close third game.  So long Pistol!

#4 Fudge vs. #13 Katrina

How in the hell is this a second round matchup?  This is like final four material, not second round.  It pains me to even have to pick this one so early.  Wow, I really can’t pick this one.  Coin flip it is.  Katrina moves on.  Sorry Fudge.

[Editor’s note: Jesus you are an idiot.  The Candyman is lethal.  And I mean cold-blooded killer lethal.]

#14 Tom Taylor vs. #30 Pete Walton

Usually experience counts for a lot in this tourney.  But not in this match.  Pete continues his hot streak and shocks Tom in three games. Tom shrugs and says it doesn’t matter because he’s more focused on the team winning this skeeson.  That’s a lie.  Deep down he wants the individual glory.  Not happening this skeeson though.

[Editor’s note:   Not a chance.]

#6 The Gambler vs. #11 Hundogasm

Welp, these two can both roll 40s and hundos when needed.  But like I said before, don’t bet against the Gambler.  I’ll take Kevin in three games.

#23 Lisa Koko vs. #26 Sunil

Koko channels the ghosts of boyfriends past and has a complete meltdown.  She doesn’t break 300 either game, Sunil advances.

#1 Brandon Harris vs. #15 B Farrell

This should be something I could write a lot about, but Brandon is just in a different league than Farrell. Don’t get me wrong, Farrell’s a decent roller and is a great guy, but he just doesn’t have what it takes.  Brandon destroys him in two straight.

[Editor’s note:  Don’t you sleep on me.]

ROUND 3

#1 H-Town vs. #8 Giaimo

Awesome matchup.  Old School vs. New School.  They’re both cocky and they both think they’ll be able to pull off the victory, so it’ll be fun to watch.  This game will be decided by hundos in the third game.  Giaimo and the lean back get the job done.

#13 Katrina Cade vs. #21 Lindsay Tutone

Aye Carumba — I have two chicks still in the tourney??!?!?  Well, we’ll have to do something about that.  H-Town’s poor rolling has rubbed off on Tutone and she loses to Katrina in two straight. Lindsay and H-Town head to the parking lot again.

#2 Brandon vs. #26 Sunil

I have a feeling this could be the skeeson that Brandon gets his second High Roller award. It won’t be pretty, but he pulls it off in three.

[Editor’s note:  Not so fast hot shot.  Sunil is a silent sniper.  He takes down Brandon in two straight.]

#3 The Gambler vs. #30 Pete Walton

I have the 30 seed still in it this far?  Interesting.  Well, at this point Kevin is too drunk to see the lanes, so Pete takes the win and is in the final four.  Craziness.

FINAL FOUR

#8 Giaimo vs. #13 Katrina

Giaimo’s used up all his magic at this point.  Katrina continues her dominance and wipes him out in two straight games.

#2 Brandon vs. #30 Pete Walton

Well, it was a fun little run for our rookie friend Pete.  But Brandon welcomes him to the big leagues with a spankety spank spank spanking.

[Editor’s note:  Spankety spank spank spanking?  Seriously?]

CHAMPIONSHIP

#2 Brandon vs. #13 Katrina

This is a best of 5 series, and they’ll need them all.  Katrina will have just about every single person in the room cheering for her, but in the end it doesn’t matter as Brandon nails the hundos at the right time and becomes the first person in Charlotte history to win multiple High Roller trophys.

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2 Responses to “The High Rollers Report (Charlotte Skeeball Skeeson IX)”

  1. H TOWN!!!!! Says:

    Wow I never make it to the final four in the high roller report! You all are crazy!!

  2. Katrina Says:

    Almost had the right!! Just picked the wrong person in the finals!! Great High Roller Tourney!!!

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