THE HIGH ROLLERS REPORT
Written by: Anonymous
What’s up everybody! Farrell asked me to write the report this season and I am pumped! I’m even more pumped that my identity is protected by an iron-clad handshake from B Feezy…which means I can tear some of you suckers to shreds and not worry about any repercussions. Perfect! So grab onto your high chair, because it’s game time!
[Editor’s note: It’s “skeeson” holmes. Skeeson. Not season. God I get tired of correcting that ish.]
#1 Mr. Burgundy vs. #16 Becca Ragans/Winner of Wild Card Tourney
We all know Brett is a good roller. There’s no questioning that. The thing to keep in mind here is that if the Wild Card Winner were to sneak past Becca, he/she will have played about 6 matches to get to that point whereas Brett would be coming in cold. That’s the X factor. However, I don’t think the Wild Card Winner beats Becca. And I don’t think Becca beats Brett. Burgundy moving on.
[Editor’s note: It all depends on Burgundy’s mood. I think the crowd will be behind Becca, and she just might pull it off if he can’t find the hundo he’s inevitably going to need.]
#8 Wendy “The Sniper” Stiles vs. #9 Danielle “Kush” Kushner
I’m not gonna lie – I think Wendy winning the whole thing last skeeson was a total fluke. And while I’m on the whole honesty kick, I think Danielle has fallen off since Skeeson I. I know Farrell is going to go apesh*t when he reads that, because he loves these two chicks, but it’s the truth. Regardless, this is still an awesome match-up for the first round. Wendy has too much pressure on her to defend the title, and Danielle has stuck around for almost every single late night tourney to sharpen her skills. I always give the win to the person that practices late night because they’ve been there when they needed a hundo with the last ball. I’m picking Danielle to win this in 3 games. But really, when a girl wins, don’t we all lose?
[Editor’s note: You’re an idiot.]
#5 CT Smith vs. #12 Wes Knapp
Wes is going to be loud and talk a bunch of sh*t and try to get in CT’s head. Plus he’ll be super hungover from Part I of his birthday bash weekend (by the way, thanks for inviting me ya d*ck!) Nothing Wes says or does will matter as CT will wipe the floor with him in two straight. It’s called practice kids, come and get ya some! CT moves on easily.
[Editor’s note: Wes invited me to his bash! But I gotta go with CT on this one too….]
#4 Ray Beaird vs. #13 Edward Finley
I don’t know this guy Edward that well, and I’ve watched Ray dominate the league (and almost win the tourney last season), so I’m going with him. Ray advances.
[Editor’s note: Hey weak sauce, way to do your research. Edward has been scorching the lanes. The rookie had two DNRs and still finished up in the Top 16. Everyone would love to see a second round CT vs. Ray matchup, but it ain’t happening. Edward is cool, calm, and collected….and I’m picking him to upset Ray. Holler! Also, skeeson not season. Step it up.]
#3 Brian Farrell vs. #14 Elizabeth Ross
They don’t call him “Choke-a-Cola” for no reason. He has yet to win a championship or a High Rollers Tourney and he’s been playing since the 60’s. I don’t see that streak changing this go around, however he does beat Elizabeth in the first round.
[Editor’s note: Cute.]
#6 WonderBoy vs. #11 Dawn Cocker
This is another great matchup. Dawn was born with the natural skee ability, while Ehren has been busting his tail to improve his game and find his 40. This is a tough call, but I don’t think WonderBoy can handle the pressure. Dawn advances in three games.
[Editor’s note: Wow. I have to disagree. I love Dawn, but WonderBoy has put in the hours – he’ll go far in this tourney.]
#7 Matt Miller vs. #10 Jeff “Panda” Cheng
This isn’t the most exciting matchup in the tourney, but it is just about dead equal. Both of these guys are good for a solid 340 and 350 whenever they want it. I’m picking Miller in overtime.
[Editor’s note: If Panda even shows up, he’ll still get stomped by my teammate. This isn’t tennis, Jeff. Bring the heat!]
#2 Duke DeVilling vs. #15 Desiree Miller
I like Desiree and all, but Duke lays the smack down and moves on in two straight games.
[Editor’s note: Hey, that’s my other teammate you’re talking about! That being said, I don’t really have a comment on this matchup….]
#1 Mr. Burgundy vs. #9 Danielle
This is where the tourney starts getting interesting. Everyone who makes it to the second round could absolutely win the tourney. And in this matchup little boy Brett goes down down down to the mighty Danielle! I’m calling it right now. Mr. Burgundy loses in the second round!
[Editor’s note: Wow. I like it. A little drama.]
#4 Ray Beaird vs. #5 CT Smith
This is like the Tyson vs. Holyfield of skeeball. Both of these guys are heavyweight hitters and if there were nine rounds, they’d go the distance. But there aren’t nine rounds, just three games. I’m picking Ray in a very close third game.
[Editor’s note: Well, I didn’t even have Ray going this far so I guess I’m picking CT.]
#3 Brian Farrell vs. #11 Dawn Cocker
Sir Choke-a-Cola survives this round as well….just barely beating Dawn.
[Editor’s note: Interesting.]
#2 Duke DeVilling vs. #7 Matt Miller
First Duke took out the wife, now he’s going after the hubby. He’s like a cold-blooded killer that can’t be stopped. Duke crushes Matt in two straight. The Millers head to their car for complimentary Margaritas.
[Editor’s note: Mmmmm…Margaritas sound pretty good right about now.]
#4 Ray Beaird vs. #9 Danielle Kushner
Ever seen a grown man cry? Well get the camera ready because Danielle dominates Ray in two straight. And then CT gets in his face and screams “What now b*tch!”
[Editor’s note: Does Danielle scare the sh*t out of anyone else or is it just me?]
#2 Duke DeVilling vs. #3 Brian Farrell
What’s that sound you hear? Ah yes, it’s B Farrell doing what B Farrell does best and choking. Duke continues his tear through the tourney and wins in two straight games.
[Editor’s note: Sigh.]
#2 Duke DeVilling vs. #9 Danielle Kushner
El Duke obviously came to play today and at this point he is completely unconscious. Even taunts from CT and the entire female population cheering against him don’t faze him. He continues his unbeaten streak and wins in three straight and claims the Skeeson II title as Best Roller in Raleigh!